


5 Times Judas Left and 1 Time He Didn't

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [29]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'm nor sure if it's SJCS specific, If You Want The Real Experience, It's Extreme, Jesus Is Basically Me, Judas Is Stupid, Listen To We Are The Ark, M/M, More angst, So It Should Be Good, There Is So Much Projecting Here, This Gave Me Shivers As I Was Writing It, could be read for any jcs probably, even more angst, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 03:35:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16632134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: Five times Judas left and one time he didn't.That's it.That's all there is.





	5 Times Judas Left and 1 Time He Didn't

**Author's Note:**

> Hey.  
> I am here to make people (Jesus) suffer.

1.

Jesus felt the attraction from the very first second. Ever since he had met Judas, he had known that there was something there, something that pulled him in unlike anything or anybody else.

His life was getting more and more unbelievable, but his attraction to Judas kept him grounded, made him feel more human than anything else.

It only took about a month for Jesus to fall hopelessly in love with Judas; it was not a shocking realisation, for he had seen it coming, but it was uncomfortable nonetheless. Utterly adoring somebody, uncertain of whether or not they reciprocated his feelings, made Jesus feel incredibly lonely at times.

So it happened, that Jesus was paying attention to every small thing Judas did in the hopes that he might see something, a sign that maybe his emotions were not in vain.

Sometimes Judas seemed to look at him a certain way; Jesus was not sure if it was an indication of reciprocated feelings, but he saw some kind of longing in Judas’ eyes.

One night they sat together, the air around them was warm and the atmosphere comfortable. A silence had settled around them, that was all encompassing, but not oppressive. Jesus let his hand settle over Judas’ in a desperate leap of faith.

When Judas turned to look at him, Jesus expected confusion, perhaps even anger, but the other man only smiled at him softly and turned his hand to entwine their fingers.

When they parted to go to bed, Jesus had a hard time falling asleep. It had been a long time since emotions had run through his veins as freely. A long time since he had felt as strongly as he did about Judas.

In the following days Judas was distanced, not a trace of the warmth his smile had shown was noticeable in him. Jesus’ heart was aching, choking him, making preaching difficult, but he went on. Maybe he had misread the situation.

 

2.

Weeks later, their relationship took a friendlier form again, Judas chose to be near Jesus and so, his feelings came back with full force where he had tried desperately to suppress them for the purpose of retaining his sanity.

Now, Judas was walking by his side, sitting by his side, talking excitedly and listening attentively to what Jesus was saying.

Jesus loved the attention, but he was not so sure he could hope for more than friendship anymore. He wanted to; the affection that shone from Judas’ eyes made it hard for him to swallow his feelings, but he kept to himself; he would not make another attempt to touch Judas in ways he clearly did not want.

They were all having supper together; Judas was sitting next to Jesus as was usual these days. People were joking, there was laughter in the air, the bonds of their friendships almost visible in their intensity.

Jesus was laughing at one of Simon’s jokes, when his gaze fell on Judas’ face. The latter was watching him intensely, his eyes glazed over, as if he was in deep thought.

He shook his head and looked away quickly when he realised Jesus was looking at him, but Jesus could see a faint blush painting his cheeks.

A few minutes later, he felt a touch against his hand and pulled it away, because he thought it was accidental. A moment later, the touch was back, Judas’ fingertips were running over the back of his hand, a silent question. Jesus turned his hand, not looking at Judas, because he did not think he could take that in this very moment. Judas let his fingertips run over his palm, before he took Jesus’ had into his, locking their fingers together. His movements were so small, hidden behind the folds of Jesus’ cardigan, that nobody noticed. But Jesus’ heart was racing, he was sure, his breathing was louder and more heavy. When he looked back at Judas, his expression was so soft, so tender and affectionate that Jesus allowed himself to hope again.

 

3.

It had been a mistake. This time, Judas left the group for a day, only showing up to supper two nights later. He did not talk to Jesus at all until a week later and when he did, he looked tired, exhausted. Guilty.

Jesus did not feel bad for him. Sure, on some level, Jesus hurt for him; he saw that Judas was not alright, saw that something was not happening with him that he himself had no access to, but Judas was hurting him and the pity and worry Jesus felt for him was minuscule compared to how much he was hurting himself.

It was tiring, dancing around each other in the hopes of something happening that would simplify the situation.

Judas was still distanced, but this time, Jesus could not simply shove his emotions down, because this time he knew that Judas had some kind of feelings involved as well. this time the touch had been initiated by him.

Jesus did not know how to deal with this kind of uncertainty and it was eating away at him to the point where he thought he had to confront Judas with it or else he might never get certainty, some sense of stability. He knew it was only holding hands. It was nothing dramatic, they were not in any kind of relationship, but Jesus felt like his feelings were being toyed with nonetheless. Judas needed to answer him, because clearly there was something there, that Jesus had no idea about. Maybe he was severely over-reacting, but really, Judas was acing way too severely, way too emotionally for there not to be some kind of explanation.

They were alone. On the one hand that was a necessity - they needed privacy for this conversation. On the other hand, Jesus was not sure if being alone with Judas when he attempted to have a conversation that was this risky, was the best idea.

“I just want to know why you keep avoiding me,” Jesus said.

Judas only looked at him, his expression unreadable.

“I know I’m not imagining this.”

“You’re not,” Judas replied. His voice was deep, it felt as if it was running through Jesus’ whole body, setting it aflame with desire. This was not going to end well.

“I’m sorry.”

Jesus knew the apology was honest, heartfelt, but there was something more in those words.

The next thing he knew was a stone wall at his back, one hand against his chest, another at his neck, keeping him in place.

Judas’ lips on his own.

Instinctively, Jesus parted his lips, tilted his head to the side to give Judas better access. The hand on his chest moved, fingers driving in Jesus’ hair, gripping, pulling it to get Jesus exactly where Judas wanted him.

The kiss was intense, almost overwhelmingly so; as if it was a reflection of Jesus’ feelings.

It was over as suddenly as it had started. Jesus was leaning against the wall, breathing heavily, knees weak, lips slightly parted still. By the time he opened his eyes, Judas was gone.

The words still hung in the air.

‘I’m sorry.’ It had indeed been more than an apology for his previous behaviour. They had been one for the future as well.

 

4.

This time, Judas did not leave, but he shut Jesus out completely. He did not ignore him, but there was really no need for that, because Judas completely avoided him.

Jesus knew that his friends were worrying about him, but he could not bring himself to tell them. They would think him weak, if he was feeling so bad just because of Judas; just because of somebody who did not deserve to make him feel bad anyway.

Jesus knew that he should just stop feeling. It was so easy in theory, but as long as Judas was around, even if he was avoiding Jesus, barely an hour passed when he did not think about him. It was unnerving and quite possibly bad for his mental and physical wellbeing, but ever since the kiss, Jesus could not trick himself into thinking Judas did not care. Because he did care.

Judas had been full of the same desire and the same longing as Jesus and it was not helping Jesus to lie to himself. After all he _knew_ he was lying to himself.

When Judas started paying attention to him again, Jesus rationally knew that it was a bad idea to let him in close again, but his heart and body yearned for Judas, his whole being wanted nothing more than to touch, to feel, to hold, to kiss.

Jesus was still as desperate as he had been before and he despised himself for it. But now Judas was there with addictive touches and glances, burning in their intensity and Jesus knew, no matter how much it would hurt him, if Judas was to treat him the same way again, he would take it gladly and suffer.

So it came, that he followed Judas when he asked him to. So it came, that he sat down on the bed, even though his brain told him to run. But Judas was there, with his intense eyes, his soothing voice and his hot lips; and just like that, Jesus silenced the cautious part of his brain and pulled Judas in.

Judas did not object; in fact, he took Jesus’ face between his hands and pushed Jesus back to lie on the covers, while climbing on top and straddling him. It was apparent in his kisses that he felt the same hunger Jesus did. It was obvious that for some reason he was just as desperate. It was clear that he wanted Jesus as much as Jesus wanted him.

Judas opened Jesus’ shirt with cold fingers, letting fingertips ghost over his chest, before he broke the kiss and moved on to suck marks into Jesus’ neck, to kiss down his chest, fingers lightly teasing his nipples. Jesus was about to combust from the sheer pleasure these touches were granting him.

When Judas pressed up between his legs, while never letting his lips leave Jesus’ skin for a moment, a desperate sound escaped Jesus’ lips.

And that was his mistake.

As if a switch had been flicked, Judas threw himself off the bed, ran out the door, a shout of anger echoing through the corridor, as his steps faded in the distance.

The tears that Jesus had managed to hold back for so long, finally spilled over.

He did not sleep for a single second that night. He was hurting, his heart utterly demolished, and his thoughts circling one thought.

‘Never again.’

 

5.

He should have known he would not be able to get away. He should have known that his suffering would go on, because it was just too difficult to get over someone you really loved.

Jesus could not sleep anymore. Sometimes he went fifty hours without sleep before passing out from pure exhaustion. Frankly, he was rotting away.

His friends were worried.

Of course they were; their best friend, in most ways the one person they looked up to and respected the most, was getting worse and worse and they did not know why.

He still had not told them. How could he? His problems were ridiculous compared to what other people were facing. And that was part of the problem. Jesus brought himself down even more, by making himself feel insignificant about his emotions.

Judas had been gone for a week. A part of Jesus feared that he would never come back. Another part hoped so. It was a terrible mixture of too much and too little when it came to Judas; there was never a right way. At least not one they could see. Jesus was suffering and he knew Jesus saw it; he was sure that Judas knew what he did to him, because he saw it in his eyes.

After everything, Judas was still looking at him and Jesus still watched out for signs. It was a habit that was too hard to shake, an unwanted relic from when Jesus had thought his feelings were not reciprocated, had looked for clues in every movement, every word. Back when he had left no stone unturned, back when his hope had still made sense and when his spirits had been high.

Back when he had not been broken.

“I’m sorry.” The voice was rough, raw with emotion. Jesus was too used to hearing words of apology from Judas by now, to let it affect him too much. He looked up at the other man with tired eyes. He did not even have the strength for facial expressions anymore. He did not have the strength to fake enthusiasm any more.

The hands at his upper arms held him in place, their grip firm. Weeks ago, Jesus would have jumped with joy at the touch, but now he felt nothing but remorse.

“I’m so sorry. I never wanted this.” Judas stammered, and again Jesus remained silent. This was not what he wanted anymore. he just wanted to stop feeling, to stop suffering. He knew that Judas could not give this to him, he knew that Judas was only pain and terror.

The hands left his arms, Judas just continued to stand there and Jesus looked at him. It was nothing a fleeting glance would notice, but Judas had changed as well. His eyes were red, swollen with shed tears, a look Jesus had become familiar with seeing on himself; bags under his eyes mirrored Jesus’ own. His cheekbones were more pronounced than usually, his posture slightly sunken in on himself.

Jesus shivered; this was the image of a man who was suffering. He recognised it from hours of staring at the mirror in the hopes that he would morph into another person, somebody who did not have to endure this.

“I never wanted to make you feel bad. I wasn’t sure... I didn’t think you had feelings... for me.” Judas’ voice was insecure. The end of his sentence was barely more than a whisper.

“Can you ever forgive me?”

This was probably the only question Jesus was not prepared to answer.

When Judas turned to leave, tears were choking up Jesus, he was hurting all over; he should have answered.

 

+1.

But Judas returned. He came back with a blanket and tea and found ways to comfort Jesus without touching him. Somehow he sensed that Jesus could not take that yet.

They got better together.

Judas did not leave anymore every time they touched, when they started to again, eventually, but Jesus still could not bring himself to initiate anything, simply because he feared that he would go too far. He was not even sure anymore that he wanted Judas anymore, but the latter was ready to make amends and Jesus felt like he should at least try.

Just for the sake of getting better.

That was what he told himself, when Judas brushed his fingers against the back of Jesus’ hand and he did not pull it back, like his instincts told him to. Instead he held still, letting Judas touch, letting Judas set the terms, trusting - still trusting, after everything - that this time, it would be different. And it was. Judas stayed and his hand became a comfort, a continuity to cling to.

‘Just for the sake of getting better.’

That was what he told himself when Judas embraced him and did not let go; when he stayed even after that. Jesus still feared waking up and finding that Judas had taken off one final time. But that did not happen. Instead, Judas remained calmer than Jesus would have expected.

“I’m sorry,” Judas kept repeating until Jesus believed him.

“I know it doesn’t make it better, but I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Judas kept saying until Jesus knew it to be true.

“I only thought I was protecting myself, but I was hurting both of us.”

“It’s okay,” Jesus replied and rested his head against Judas’ shoulder. Trust, once broken was difficult to regain, but Judas was earnest in his endeavours.

‘Just for the sake of getting better.’

That was what he told himself when Judas traced a finger along the tendons of his neck, when he caressed the soft skin at the nape of his neck, when he let his thumb ghost over Jesus’ collar bone.

Just for the sake of getting better, when Judas’ hand wandered up his neck, the large palm, the strong fingers against the soft skin serving as a reminder of how fragile and human Jesus really was.

‘Just for the sake of getting better,’ when Judas’ hand settled on his cheek, thumb rubbing gentle patterns into his skin. Jesus never once had the urge to pull back. It felt like this was where he was supposed to be.

“May I?” Judas asked and something inside of Jesus broke. A dam he had built around his emotions collapsed in on itself and with an almost desperate noise of confirmation, he leaned in.

The kiss was nothing like what they had shared before. Never had it been this soft, this purely affectionate. There had only been terror before, pain, and longing. It had been hectic and rough.

Now there was tenderness, a kind of comfort in their actions that came with the time they had spent together. The barrier inside Jesus, that had broken, was self-protection. He was vulnerable now, completely at Judas’ mercy once more, but this time, he trusted the latter not to hurt him anymore.

Their lips moved together with gentle movements, tongue slipping through, and Judas shifted against Jesus, letting him take initiative, letting him have the upper hand, because Judas knew how much his pressuring Jesus had hurt him.

Breaking apart was a slow affair. Another kiss, then another, endless in their tenderness. The sense of care and closeness that coursed through Jesus was immediately related to the trust that had been building, and also directly linked to his love.

Because he was still, despite everything, undeniably in love with Judas.

It was not ‘just for the sake of getting better;’ it was for the sake of becoming better.

Never before in his life had Jesus felt the need to make up with a person and grow with them as he had with Judas. That was the real purpose of healing.

“Oh god,” Judas sighed against his lips and Jesus smiled softly. His eyes were closed, his forehead leaned against Judas’.

“Oh god,” Judas repeated. “I think I’m really in love with you.”

Laughter bubbled up in Jesus’ chest.

“I think so, too.” But really, he did not suspect it. He knew it. He knew Judas was in love with him, and he knew that he reciprocated these feelings.

Growing together was more than the building of trust, Jesus discovered. It was also the ability to know one another without speaking, and to speak without bounds.

“I love you,” Judas said the first time he pressed a kiss to Jesus’ forehead.

“I love you,” Judas said when he towelled Jesus’ hair dry after a shower. Those little intimacies were the basis of their relationship.

“I love you,” he said when Jesus beamed at him during supper one night. That was how their friends eventually found out.

But it was not just Judas who confessed his love openly. Admittedly, it took Jesus more time to finally get there, but Judas understood.

“I love you,” Jesus finally said, when Judas’ head was resting on his chest.

“I love you,” he repeated when Judas sat up to cradle his face between his hands to slowly kiss him.

“I love you,” Jesus said when Judas asked for consent, for permission, and Jesus gave it to him without a second thought.

Their bodies fit together as perfectly as their souls did. Neither of them were afraid anymore. And Judas was gentle.

At some points, Jesus wished Judas was not as gentle, wished for more; more friction, more passion, more intensity. But Judas did this in his very own way, he went slow, controlled, focussed as if his only goal was to bring Jesus the most pleasure he could manage.

Maybe it was.

Their kisses became more frantic, hot breaths mingling between them; marks were gracing Jesus’ neck, skin tender, every nerve ending in his body felt like it was aflame. As Judas moved, with him, above him, inside of him, Jesus was pushed to the edge, closer, closer.

He did not hold himself back anymore. Moans were flowing from his lips freely, swallowed by Judas immediately, who responded to these unspoken pleas by moving in the ways Jesus craved.

When they came undone, it was with desperate cries in their throats and love in their eyes.

Judas had fallen asleep, their limbs still tangled together. His head was resting on Jesus’ chest; gently, he combed his fingers through the soft hair.

Jesus thought to himself how much he had yearned for this and how he had suffered. He still wished, they could have skipped these obstacles on their way to happiness. But in the end, it had been worth it.

Wrapping his arms around Judas, Jesus drifted off as well.

Judas was still there, when he woke up again.

He had stayed.

**Author's Note:**

> What a ride.
> 
> The author kindly asks you to consider leaving me a kudo and/or comment. Thanks <3


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